A Sibling for M

OUR Surrogate Journey

DURING COVID + HEARTBREAK

[ ongoing series 1]

I have wanted to share my journey from the beginning but it didn’t seem like the right time. I would sit but nothing would come out and today seems like the right time to share because today there is grief and with grief there is momentum.

We knew that when M turned 1 that we would move forward with a sibling. You see it took 11 years for us to meet him and we feel incredibly lucky but we have one embryo frozen — our precious baby girl and the decision to move ahead with her comes with trauma + anxiety as pregnancy after loss does.

We were thinking of a July transfer and then Covid 19 scared us and so we pressed the pause button as it was March and we were about to self isolate for the first time.

We then decided November would be the month — thinking that we would have more answers or knowledge about Covid 19 and feel less nervous. Well, it seems like we are deeper into the global pandemic than we have ever been and in another lockdown.

But, we worked hard to get our Ts crossed and our I’s dotted so that we could still move ahead praying and wishing that it will go as smoothly as it went for M.

Of course, things are different as we are in the middle of a global pandemic

and I’m feeling scared and nervous as we have no idea what will happen and having a baby after so many years of loss and sadness during such uncertainty is numbing.

Today our beautiful surrogate — let’s give her a name K, flew to Seattle for a blood draw to make sure her progesterone levels were high enough for our transfer on Saturday.

AND

Then we got the email saying it wasn’t and that we now have to wait till January.

A few lines and that was it. I wasn’t expecting this.

I felt like someone punched me and at the same time I was pissed off. Why didn’t they spot this before. Didn’t they monitor her progesterone levels before she flew out? All the questions and all the emotions.

Again the grief

Again the sadness

but this time it was shared

and I felt horrible

I know that disappointment

I know that feeling of want

and being denied.

I felt horrible for K.

I wanted to take the sadness away

but I knew that she had to feel this in order to heal and process.

So here we are

waiting again.

I know that we must have the most optimal womb [ home ] for our little girl and so I’m trying to look at the ‘positive’ and be grateful.

January 2021 it is

and I hope my dear mother will be alive to meet this little one as she has been

diagnosed with brain cancer.

Interesting how life is

How we pray to birth a miracle

and how we pray and fear death

AND

in both we feel

lost.

Jenn x

UPDATE:

I haven’t been here for a hot second and I am back to writing as I am now writing a book. Watch this space. I wanted to let you know that sadly our surrogate miscarried in January and we paused … till now … we are now thinking about moving forward with a sibling but I have to be honest I am terrified. jenn x